The Stories We Make Up
It’s a common life experience that some relationships come and go, while others last a lifetime. Some fade away through benign agreement, or interests change, and a parting of ways feels natural.
Then there are those relationships that end or become more distant in a shroud of hurt, misunderstanding, or confusion. Or those that end in anger and the acrimony lingers on.
Today I was reflecting on a friendship that ended in unspoken one-sided distancing. We call this ‘ghosting’ when one person just stops talking to or responding to the other without explanation. The hurt and confusion rose up in my chest again, and again my mind tried to grasp what happened; did I do something wrong? Being ghosted hurts. It leaves us in painful mystery about what happened and opens floodgates for anger to enter.
I noticed how quickly – in a heartbeat – my mind started spinning stories about how the former friend must be harboring judgments about me, and likely speaking badly of me behind my back. My heart tightened as I imagined this, and I gritted my teeth. My mind spun passive-aggressive fantasies about telling them how wrong and blame-worthy they were. As though any of these contrived stories would help. No – it only hurt more, piling on to the original hurt.
In Buddhism, this is referred to as the ‘second arrow’. The first arrow is the original hurt - when something painful happens in life which is unavoidable. The second arrow is all the stories we then make up in the absence of real knowledge. These stories usually involve anger, defensiveness, attack, or self-criticism. We like to blame someone –ourselves or often the other person. This blaming and attacking is the second arrow – and it is 100% optional. We don’t have to do this.
I remembered the lost friend and still felt hurt. But I knew that although my hurt and anger about it were REAL (because I felt it), the stories I made up were not necessarily TRUE. Such stories are Real but not True, regardless of how right we think we are. It can be so hard to remember that we made them up.
I reminded myself that I really knew nothing about how the other person felt or feels or what they say or don’t say about me. I imagined dropping the stories, the blame, the anger, the made-up scenarios, and my heart immediately relaxed, and the clenching was released. My heart felt spacious and calm once again.
I have gone through this process in my mind many times with the same no-longer-friendship. So, it’s definitely not a once-and-done. But every time I do it, it gets easier to let it go. This process also reminds me of the wise teaching that we cannot control how another person feels, but we do have 100% control over how we respond to them, and to all the events and circumstances of our lives.
And therein lies the key to freedom.
Holiday time, with the gathering of friends and family, sometimes provides ample opportunities to notice when we ascribe meaning and motivations to the actions and words of others, in the absence of actual knowledge - spinning stories that are real but not true. A reliable clue for catching ourselves is to notice when there is tightness or constriction in our body – often the gut, shoulders, forehead, or hands. Then we can take a breath, remind ourselves how little we actually know about another’s experience (unless they tell us), and perhaps let go of the stories. Maybe even ask someone what they’re thinking and feeling, in place of our stories!
Wishing you and your family peace and joy in this time of holiday and observance, and in the New Year!
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