Mothers

Even though Mother’s Day is mostly a Hallmark institution, I’ve always liked it - Father’s Day too. It seems worthy to take a moment, or a day, to consider our mothers. There is a primacy about our connection to our mother, whether it is, or was, a healthy connection or not. We all enter this life through our mother, even if we don’t grow up with her or even like her – she gave birth to us. That’s a worthy undertaking, certainly deserving of notice and gratitude!

Of course, ‘mother’ can mean our primary caretaker, or one of them, regardless of gender or actual biological relationship. We can be mothered by aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, family friends, grandparents, adoptive parents, house parents, and I’m sure I’m missing many others. So, I’ll say ‘mother’ as a stand-in for all the mother-figures who filled the role of mother for us.

We learn so many basic, important, life-forming, necessary things from our mothers. Hopefully, they were healthy, life-affirming, loving, and stabilizing things. In actuality, they aren’t always, and as little ones, we had absolutely no conscious say in the matter. It’s astonishing to see how a child loves and wants connection with their mother regardless of how fabulous or flawed they may be in that role.

Most of us, I suppose, have a complex relationship with our mothers, and this often continues even after they’re no longer with us. In many ways, for better or worse, it seems they live on in us. I love and am grateful for my mother, even though she’s no longer with us; she gave me my precious human birth!

Many pages in my memoir, Light in Bandaged Places, show my early years with her, as well as the last days of her life. This excerpt is a short reflection looking backward at that relationship while also looking forward at my relationship with my own children:

“My mom and I treated each other with gentleness, but there was so much lost potential. She was a purely good-hearted person, almost like we think of saints. She taught me patience and kindness and how to give to others. From my mother, I did not learn intimacy, security, or self-worth. I did not learn how to navigate the world, feel safe, believe in myself, or trust others. I discovered these things through being a mother myself. The passionate love I had for my children was a life force I had never known before. It filled me, consumed me, and through it, I experienced pure joy. Through them, I learned intimacy, security, and self-worth, and my deepest desire was that they know these things too. With my children, my heart opened, and all my emotions were set free. In so many ways, being a mother saved me.”

What is stirred in you as you consider your relationship with your mother?

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