Arguing with the Unarguables

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my argument with my aging and aching body, particularly when I try to move it the way I used to, like in yoga class. I said I was working on a new way of relating with my aches and pains and other accoutrement of aging. And I am.

Because I am super clear now that to rail against the changes life brings is to argue with an unarguable.

Yet today (even as spring arrives), I turn my arguing toward winter. Those who know me well know that it is an understatement to say I dislike winter. I am constitutionally cold from September through May, mostly wanting to hibernate; sleeping through it all in a cave sounds really appealing. This is what my weighted blanket stands in for – the cave. During the three blessed warm months, I absorb the heat like a lizard and come alive. Truly.

Every fall, I vow to dress warmly, to face this oncoming foe valiantly. I promise to have a ‘good attitude’. By October, I say, “This is not so bad! I can do it!”  And by November, you can find me curled up under the 20-pound blanket.

How is this any different from arguing with aging? It’s not different at all.

Winter is just winter. Snow is just snow. Cold is just cold, regardless of how I feel about any of it. My dislike of the cold is another person’s delight in it. My opinions, complaining, disapproving, and all the stories I make up in my head about how awful and ‘wrong’ it is simply don’t matter. My stories don’t make anything better; in fact, they make it much, much worse.

It’s said there are three basic characteristics of life: things change; life is challenging; and we aren’t really in control of life. Author Ruth King puts it this way:

“Life is not Permanent, Perfect, or Personal”.

We humans tend to spend a great deal of our time, energy, and happiness trying to make these facts not so:

·         We avoid what we don’t like (not Perfect).

·         We grasp onto what we do like hoping it never leaves (not Permanent).

·         We judge others and ourselves mercilessly; we think we can control what life brings us (not Personal), and when we can’t we rage.

We say, “This shouldn’t be happening to me; this needs to be different; I don’t want this; how can I fix this/you; how can I manipulate things to control/guarantee that life is only pleasant? How can I hold onto this good thing/person/feeling/situation forever – and get even more of it?”

Kind of like a toddler having a tantrum.

This is to argue with the unarguables. It just makes us miserable.

Back to winter. Weather is just weather, and if I choose to live in New England, arguing against winter is self-defeating. I know that letting go of this argument would be freeing. In this freer relationship with winter, I could keep my weighted blanket, dress warmly, still prefer more sunlight and warmth – all without arguing against what is. I’d let go of some self-manufactured stress. Maybe a moment of awe at the season’s beauty would even sneak in.

I realize I am talking about the weather here – a pretty trivial part of life. But the same principle applies to even the serious events and circumstances of life. Weather is just a good place to start.

Sounds simple, right? For me, this falls into the simple but not easy bucket. But so very worthy. So liberating.

What are your favorite arguments with the unarguables? Have you ever given any up?

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