Perfectionism

Sitting with the discomfort of making a mistake drives me crazy. It invites me to look closely at my relationship with perfectionism.

Do any of you have a challenging relationship with perfectionism?

I do. For example, I value being on time and get very agitated when I know I’m keeping people waiting. Or when it’s unclear whether I’ll get to where I’m expected to be on time.

One time I held a joint leadership role in an event involving many other people. I was running very late, and my colleagues were waiting. I wasn’t able to call or text to tell them I was on my way. They were left hanging. I rushed in with literally one minute to start time. After many apologies, I sat next to the leader and said, “I HATE being late!” His response was to calmly lean into my ear and say, “Then, this is good for you.”

Recently I posted a comment on someone’s blog containing a glaring typo that the technology wouldn’t allow me to fix. The degree of angst that this sparked is embarrassing.

Clearly, I am giving myself unnecessary grief and suffering about these minor infractions. In both of the examples above, there were no serious consequences – my emotional reaction did not really match the situation.

Wanting to do a good job is one thing, but what was driving this perfectionism?

Here is what I know to be true:

Perfectionism is an illusion.

Perfection is not a prerequisite for anything but pain.

There is a practice in the mindfulness tradition called RAIN. This is an acronym: R is Recognize; A is Allow; I is Investigate; N is Nurture.

When I practice this with my perfectionism, this is what happens:

I Recognize that it is, in fact, perfectionism that has got me stressed. Then, rather than pushing that away or pretending I don’t feel so bad after all, I Allow the discomfort to be there and name it – embarrassment, humiliation, feeling incompetent. Now, comes the interesting part, Investigating. Here I work to get some insight into what is driving this fastidiousness. First, I notice where I feel these emotions in my body. I immediately feel my shoulders tense and my whole torso get tight. Now I really feel the emotions. Then, I ask the simple question: What beliefs do I have about not being perfect? I realize that some part of me believes that my imperfection equates to worthlessness. That others will judge me, and I judge myself, as unworthy of … what? Love? Acceptance? Belonging?

Now I recognize sadness about this. When I ask myself: what do I need as I am feeling these things, the answer is clear. I need to stop judging myself in this harsh way and instead choose to love and accept myself – imperfections and all. This is Nurturing. I remind myself that I do belong and am worthy. I think of people who love me, and I remember that I am loved unconditionally by God and have inherent Buddhanature – basic goodness. Just like everyone else. Sitting with this awareness loosens the grip of judgment.

So, as my wise colleague said: being late was good for me. It generated this reflection which helped me see the erroneous stakes (unworthiness for love, acceptance, and belonging) I was harboring when imperfect. Brene Brown wrote a book beautifully titled “The Gifts of Imperfection", reminding us that having a sense of worthiness is a choice.

When we allow our struggles to illuminate truth for us, we gain wisdom and thereby greater freedom.

What is your relationship with imperfection?

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