Expansion and Contraction
I have to keep reminding myself that humans shift between states of expansion and contraction all the time. In nature, Fall and Winter are times of contraction, and Spring and Summer are times of expansion. Just because I find myself in prolonged contraction right now doesn’t have to mean something is wrong.
It might be that my body is asking for some attention to its health. Or maybe it's my mind or my heart asking for care —most likely all of them since they travel together.
My prolonged fatigue, difficulty finding my internal energy and focus, and body aches snuck up on me—seemingly out of the blue. But if I look closely, it’s not really out of the blue…
If I consider that I have spent the past two years in active labor giving birth to my recent memoir, and since its arrival in the world, I have been intensely fostering and nurturing its young and tender life – well, I guess it’s no surprise I may be feeling a little peaked right now. The past two years have been a time of intense expansion. Considering that I am by nature an introvert who grew up with the expertise of being private, if not downright secretive (read my book to learn more about that), being so public with my life’s struggles, wounding, and healing is bound to have an inner impact.
So, I find myself in a period of contraction now. I long to be in a cocoon of quiet, stillness, and, at times, solitude. Of course, I meet all my ongoing commitments. But through them all, I am often tired, my body has a constant background buzzing vibration, and I long for sleep.
Of course, I am looking into all the traditional medical possibilities. At the same time, I am trying to listen to what my body is telling me. One message I hear is: ‘Rest more’. That doesn’t come easily for me; I am, by nature, one who is always studying, learning, growing, and doing. But maybe it’s time to ‘do’ it differently. It is harder to hear the more subtle messages when I am busy. So, I'm going to do my best to just ‘be’ more (I do notice the irony in that statement!). I’m not even sure what that looks like for me. I don’t think it will look like never leaving my house. I believe one can be in a state of ‘being’ even while actually doing things. At its finest, being is a state of mind-heart.
This reminds me of a wise teaching from Joseph Goldstein about the difference between rushing and moving quickly. Rushing – the internal feeling of always urgently leaning into what is next – is not the same as moving quickly, which is simply an external measure of speed. We can move our bodies quickly without that sense of getting out of the present moment and into the next moment as quickly as possible. Likewise, we can feel internal impatience and dissatisfaction with the present moment while sitting completely still. (Read more about this teaching in my blog post from January 2022.)
Rushing—resistance to the present moment—is a contraction. For me, then, ‘Rest more’ is not just about less activity. It is about less rushing away from whatever is uncomfortable in the present moment (contraction) and more allowing it to be what it is so I can better examine it and find peace in it (expansion).
What phase do you feel yourself to be in right now: expansion or contraction? Or maybe you are in expansion in one part of your life and contraction in another?
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